Scars You Can't See
by Imlerith
Summary: Chloe's heart pounded in her chest as she sprinted, her legs carrying her as fast as they could across the nearly empty campus. And yet it wasn't fast enough, every second feeling like minutes flying by. 'Please, please don't let it be to late.'
1. Chapter 1

**A couple quick things. 1) This story is based around self harm and suicide. (What can I say, I have issues and I find writing these to be therapeutic) To anyone uncomfortable with that topic, you've been warned. 2) This will be a multi chap fic, how long I don't yet know. However updates will probably be inconsistent given my work schedule for the next month. I apologize in advance. And 3) Anytime you see ' _Italic text like this'_ please note it is a characters inner thoughts and are not being spoken aloud. Holy shit this note is way to long. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing Pitch Perfect.**

* * *

Chloe's heart pounded in her chest as she sprinted, her legs carrying her as fast as they could across the nearly empty campus. And yet it wasn't fast enough, every second feeling like minutes flying by. She rounded the corner of a building and was almost blinded the orange glow of the setting sun. Under different circumstances she would have stopped to admire such a beautiful sunset. But there was no time today, not for the sunset, not for the guy she barely avoided bulldozing in to, yelling at her to watch out. She could only focus on her destination and her urgent need to get there. All the while hoping, praying there was still time. ' _Please, please don't let it be to late.'_ She thought as she wiped away the tears pricking at her eyes and willed her body to move faster.

* * *

 **Months earlier.**

Beca removed her headphones as she stepped out of the cab and began gathering her bags from the trunk. After being talked at very quickly by a blonde girl who then gave her a whistle and having an air guitar solo performed for by a rather puppyish looking fellow from the back of a car, and finally an awkward introduction to her roommate, She set up her equipment, more than ready to drown out the world and start working on her music. If only she were that lucky.

She barley had time to acknowledge the knock at her door before her father entered the room. "Jeez dad, yeah come on in."

He looked at her slightly annoyed "I knocked didn't?"

"Yeah, but maybe next time wait for an answer? What if me or Kimmy Jin had been changing or something?"

He looked over at her roommate, who was barely acknowledging his presence. "Okay, you're right. I apologize, Kimmy." Beca sighed slightly and rolled her eyes, Annoyed her fathers apology apparently only extended to her roommate. ' _Why would I expect anything else'_

Kimmy Jin spoke. "Right, I'm going to the activities fair. Bye." Beca jumped at the opportunity to get away from her dad.

"Yeah me too! I'm going the activities fair with my super good friend Kimmy Jin." She tried to slip out the door unsuccessfully as her father grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

"Not so fast Beca, we need to talk." Beca let out a loud sigh as she walked back into the room and took a seat on her bed.

"What's up Dad?"

"I just want to make sure we're on the same page here alright? This is a big opportunity, not many people get to go to college for free."

"I know dad. I appreciate it, I really do. But I don't need to be here, I should be in LA, getting my career started, making a name for myself."

"Oh for the love of god, Beca. We've been over this. DJing is a hobby, not a career."

"Well then I guess it's a good thing I'm going to be a music producer. I'm so tired of explaining this to you."

"It might as well be the same thing. Do you know how unlikely that is? Look if you really want to go I'll help you, but you have to stick out here at least a year."

"Oh my god, dad." She responded ready for this to turn into a another argument before realizing fully what he'd said. "Wait, seriously?"

"Yeah. But you have to take it seriously. I mean good grades, getting involved out there. I know your grandparents let you get away with it when you lived with them, but you can't just sit in here playing with all that." He said, waving his hand in the direction of her desk with all her mixing equipment. "Besides, It'll be worth it if only to see you stop with all that dramatic moping you seem so keen on doing."

"Dad..." _'Don't, Mitchell. Don't give him a reason to back out of the deal'_ He raised his eye brows expectantly "Um, yeah, thanks, I mean thank you. I'll try."

"Good" He said clapping his hands together. "Well then I'll let you get on your way to the fair." He made his way to the door before turning "Oh, also Sheila and I will be expecting you at the house for dinner tonight. It'll be nice to catch up."

The door closed behind him and she let a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. She didn't understand why it still upset her that he never had faith in her, or even took her issues seriously. But she figured it doesn't matter. As long as she can keep it together for one more year. She felt an all to familiar urge start to rise. She clenched her fist and took a couple deep breaths, doing her best to ignore the urge best she could. "Lets go pick a stupid club to join then" she mumbled as she left her room.

* * *

Beca walked through fair checking out the various clubs available. She was disappointed that the DJ club was only for deaf jews but at least she met an interesting person who introduced herself as Fat Amy oddly enough. She found a position at the campus radio station to sign up for, other than that she walked aimlessly around until she saw something. Someone rather. A redhead, wearing a blue dress that matched her incredibly blue eyes. She didn't realize she was blatantly staring at at the girl, mouth slightly agape, until she noticed the redhead talking to her. "Oh, I'm sorry, what?"

The girl giggled slightly "I asked if you were looking for a club to join?"

"Oh, yeah. I am."

"Good! I'm Chloe and this Aubrey" It was only then that Beca noticed the blonde girl standing next to the redhead, already glaring at her as if she had pissed in her cereal. "And we're the co-captains of the Barden Bellas. An all female acapella group."

Oh right, acapella, the thing where you make your own music, that's a thing now isn't it? And I'm Beca by the way."

"Nice to meet you Beca" the redhead said offering her hand. Beca took her hand, perhaps a little to eagerly ' _please don't let my hand be sweaty '_ The redhead carried on. "That's right! We do it all with our mouths!" Beca cringed slightly, not sure if the emphasis on mouths was intentional or not. "Last year we made it all the way to finals and it's our dream to make it back there again and win. Help us make our dream a reality?" She finished, handing Beca a flyer.

The look on her face almost made Beca ready to say yes, if only for the chance be around Chloe and get to know her. She looked into the older girls eyes and somehow felt an immediate connection. Something about this girl made her feel safe, like it would all be okay. It was almost enough. Almost. ' _There's no way a girl like this would ever go for me. She's probably straight anyway'_ "Sorry, but I don't even sing. I wouldn't be any help to you." She finally answered. For a second she swore the redhead look disappointed, but decided she must have imagined it.

"Well okay then. Maybe I'll see you around."

"Yeah, maybe." As Beca walked away Aubrey turned to Chloe, looking at her with a "Really?" expression.

"What? She was really cute. There's something about her..." Aubrey shook her head "And it's not like we have a ton options right now either."

"You're right we don't. But we still have an image to maintain. And it's not that... alternative." Chloe ignored the remark, returning to scanning the crowd for anymore potential Bellas

* * *

Beca raised her hand to knock on the door of her fathers home, her anxiety already rising slightly. She knocked three times before she talked herself into leaving and dealing with her fathers anger later. The door opened revealing her step mother.

"Hey, Shelia."

"Hello, Beca. Your father is just finishing setting the table. Come in." Beca couldn't help but notice how rehearsed that sounded. She also couldn't be surprised by that. She had never gotten along with her step monster.

She walked into the dinning room "Hey dad."

"Beca, you're here, good. Take a seat, food will be out shortly." She took a seat, tapping her fingers nervously while she waited. Before long her father and step mother came out and they all began eating. Several minutes of awkward silence went by before her father broke it. "So Beca, did you find any clubs to join?"

"Well um, I signed up for a spot at the radio station."

"Really? The station with those two weirdos that work there? Please don't tell me that's all you found."

"Well it'll be three weirdos now." Looking at his clearly unamused expression she continued "It's a paid spot. I get to work with music and make money. It's a win win. I didn't get to see everything today, I'll look again tomorrow. The fair's on for a couple days right?"

"It is and you will." After another few tense minutes it was Sheila who broke the silence. Attempting to change subjects.

"So earlier today I saw a couple. Two guys. Just holding hands and kissing like it was nothing. I can't believe we live in a time where something so unnatural is so openly displayed."

"You're right." He chimed in. "It's disgusting. They'll get theirs though. It's only a matter of time. Beca, what do you think about all that LGB whatever nonsense?"

 _'You mean aside from the fact that I'm gay? So gay in fact that I was dumbstruck by a gorgeous redhead today?'_ "Well I don't know. I mean they're not hurting anyone. If they love each other and are happy who cares? Doesn't everyone deserve some happiness?"

"God cares. That's who. And they hurting themselves. It may not be until they're judged by god but they are. They'll burn in hell for it. I should have expected this, leaving you up north. We'll teach you right from wrong. I'll lend you my bible."

Beca again bit her tongue again, not wanting to upset her dad and risk losing her chance to leave for LA after this year. "Okay."

"So," he continued on "What were you doing back in Maine?"

"Um, not much. Grandma and Grandpa didn't get out much so I didn't either."

"You didn't have any friends to go out with?" Sheila asked.

Beca took a sip of water, the temperature in the room seemingly skyrocketing. "Not really. No."

Her father jumped in. "Let me guess, you were to busy locking yourself away instead of living life and making friends?"

"Well dad you know after mom... my anxiety and-" Her father made no attempt to hide his disbelief "It all got worse after that, it was all pretty hard on me. I was sad. Still am."

"Beca grow up. Your mother died three years ago. I know it was hard but you need to get over it already."

"It's called depression dad. It's a mental illness, it doesn't go away so easily! You don't just get over it!" She replied, raising her voice.

He raised his voice, overpowering hers. "Bullshit, Beca! That's just an excuse for being an over dramatic brat! A reason for you to avoid facing the real world like an adult! It's time for you to grow up! Your mother would be so disappointed if she could see you now. "

Beca sat there for a moment in shocked silence before rising to her feet. "I have an early class tomorrow." She left without waiting for a response. She wiped furiously at her eyes, trying to hold back the tears until she could get back to her room.

When she finally reached it she barged into her room slamming the door behind her. She took a look around and was thankful to find Kimmy Jin was not there. She paced the room, pulling at her hair, screaming into her pillow. She felt the need to hurt herself, to feel pain, to feel anything other than this. She pulled down her pants to her knees and took a seat on the bed. She briefly examined her leg, she could still sorta see the bruise from the last time.

She took a deep breath, raised her fist and slammed into her thigh. She punched her leg again, and again, and again, over and over until she couldn't stand the pain anymore. She looked at her leg, a big, deep bruise was already forming. After long moment she removed her jeans the rest of the way and slipped on some sweat pants, she laid down and cried into her pillow. Cried until her eyes were heavy and sleep finally took her.

* * *

 **I know the set up was only slightly different from the actual movie but it seemed the best way to set up the rest of the story. Sorry if it was cumbersome to read.  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**So I'm kinda (really) unhappy with this chapter. But I couldn't think of anything better and I wanted to get something out. I will try to suck less going forward.  
**

* * *

Beca awoke early the next morning, her face sticky with dry tears and her leg still throbbing, but she didn't care. Her mind took her back to her fathers words " _Your mother would be so disappointed if she could see you now."_ Part of her knew it wasn't true. Her mother had always loved and supported her. No matter what. But her mother was always so happy, so full of life. Even after her father left them, no matter how hard things were her mother was always so ready to face the world. Beca wasn't. Not anymore. She could barely pull herself out of bed some days, couldn't care less about this stupid school. Had almost no friends back home and no friends here. _"Maybe she would be disappointed, maybe I'd be a let down."_ She wanted to stop thinking, stop feeling. Looking across the room she discovered that at some point in the night Kimmy Jin returned. Knowing making a scene here probably wasn't the best idea she gathered her kit to take a shower.

She arrived the showers softly singing Titanium, even though song didn't exactly match her mood. She entered the shower, turning the water on as hot as it would go. She stood there as the water heated up, anticipating the scalding water that would burn her skin leaving red and raw and her mind numb. All the while still sing and not quite realizing she wasn't alone. Not until someone burst through the curtain into her shower stall that is. "You can sing!"

"Dude!" Beca cried turning to see the redhead from the fair.

"How high does your belt go?" Chloe question while reaching to turn off the water, recoiling slightly at how hot water was.

"My what? Oh my god." Part of the brunette wanted to believe she was just having a sex dream about the hot ginger, but from the pounding of her heart and her desperate attempt to cover herself and hide the large bruise on her leg she knew that wasn't case.

"You have to audition for the Bellas"

"I can't concentrate on anything you're saying until you cover your junk" She replied trying her best to resist the temptation to look. Which was not easy given the fact that her shower intruder was making no effort to cover herself.

"Just consider it." the taller girl pleaded. "One time we sang backup for Prince. His butt is so tiny I could hold it with like one hand."

Beca turned her back to the girl. "Okay seriously, I am nude."

"You were singing titanium right?"

"You know David Guetta?"

"Have I been living under rock? Yeah, that song is my jam. My lady jam.

"That's nice." _"First you come in my shower showing everything off then put the idea of you masturbating in my head. Are you trying to torture me?"_

"It is. That song really builds. Can you sing it for me?"

"Dude no get out!" _"Are we sure this isn't a sex dream?"_

"Not for that reason" Beca was slightly disappointed. "I'm not leaving until you sing."

Beca waited a moment before resigning to her fate. She turned around, still making sure to keep the bruise out of sight and began singing to the redhead. Soon after the other girl joined in. As their voices harmonized Beca began to feel that connection she'd felt when she first met the senior. As they finished she let her guard down ever so slightly. And with it went her will power to only look the ginger in the eye. Luckily the older girl didn't seem to mind. "Oh yeah. I'm pretty confidant, about all this."

"You should be."

"Alight, I'll let to shower in peace now." The tiny brunette stood there as the the redhead went to her own stall, got dressed and left the showers. Calling out behind her as she left. "See you at auditions!" Beca waited a moment longer before finally reaching for the shower handle again, turning it to cold this time.

* * *

That afternoon after her class Chloe returned to her apartment, "AUBREY!" She called out as she opened that door.

"Jesus Chloe, I'm right here, what do you want? Almost gave me a heart attack." The blonde responded from her spot on the couch.

The redhead giggled "Sorry. I got someone to come to auditions next week!" She said excitedly.

"Good. Who?"

"You remember Beca?"

"The alt girl?"

"Yes the 'alt' girl." She said adding finger quotations on alt. "I was showering in baker dorm after my run and she was there, singing."

"The ran into her in the showers? Chloe, if this story ends with you banging her I don't want to hear it." The blonde shuddered slightly.

"What? No. What type of girl do you think I am?"

"Well I mean come on Chlo, You talked about her almost the entire day yesterday and don't think I didn't hear you listening to titanium last night. Twice."

"Okay fine, I get it. Like I said before, there's something special about her... I didn't have sex with her though. I made her sing with me and she's actually really good. I swear. We could really have a chance with her on the team. And trust me, her body is definitely bikini ready." She finished, a not so innocent smile starting to form.

"Chloe!"

"What? I couldn't help it, I had to look once. I was subtle about looking. Unlike her. I don't think she even noticed."

"She checked you out?"

"Yup!" She chirped with a proud grin on her face.

"Well that's great. Just please keep your toner in your pants at auditions. Now if you'll excuse me I have some studying to do."

* * *

 **Day after Auditions**

Beca sat on her bed, staring at the flickering flame of the lighter in her hand, she reflected on the last week. She sent a BS apology text to her dad, hoping to salvage any chance of him helping her move at the end of the year. Playing off the incident as stress from the move down here and having to form a new life for. He told her that's what adults do and she has to accept it and get a hold of herself. _"I think that's his way of saying apology accepted."_ Chloe had invaded her shower to convince her to audition for a freaking acapella group and now she was waiting to hear whether or not she got in, unsure of which result she was hoping for. She inhaled deeply, took her thumb off the switch on the lighter and pressed the hot metal tip to her inner bicep as she exhaled. Trying to focus her mind solely on the pain she was startled by a knock on the door. "Shit. One second!" She rushed to her desk to put the lighter in a drawer and pull down her sleeve before answering the door to find Chloe standing there greeting her with a bright smile. "Hey Chloe, whats up?"

"I'm here kidnap you for Bella inauguration."

"This is very nice way to kidnap someone. I don't think it's supposed to be this nice."

"Well I was supposed to throw this hood on you and take you there but you seem like you really wouldn't appreciate that. I will need you to put it on before we go in though."

"Yeah thanks. That wouldn't have ended well. So I'm in then?"

"Of course you are silly! Now come on. We're gonna be late."

They walked towards the auditorium in surprisingly comfortable silence until Beca finally broke it.

"I wasn't sure I'd get in. The blonde-"

"Aubrey."

"Right, Aubrey. She didn't seem to impressed with my audition."

"She didn't like that you didn't sing the same song as everyone else did. She thinks it means you're gonna be 'a rule breaker' and 'go against tradition' but she couldn't ignore that you were one of best that auditioned."

"Right. Um thanks."

"You're welcome!" The redhead chirped, again giving the brunette a bright smile that made her insides flutter.

"So what should I be expecting when we get there?"

The older girl shook her head "Can't tell you. I already spared you the hood. You'll just have to wait and see."

"But you said I have to put it on when we get there. I'm starting to think you're taking me to some murder ritual and this nice girl act is just to lower my guard."

Chloe mock gasped "Oh no! You figured it out! Now I have to kill you here instead." She laughed and bumped shoulders with the shorter girl, taking the opportunity to link their arms together as they walked on. "No you goof. I promise no bodily harm will be done to you."

" _I got that part covered anyway"_ Despite the dark thought she felt a surprising happiness in the moment. Having her arm linked with the redhead gave her butterfly's. She enjoyed the feeling of being around her, of touching her. It was all very new to her.

"We're here. Put this on." Chloe said, handing the hood to Beca.

* * *

Beca observed the party below. She had finally gotten Jesse to take the hint she wasn't interested in talking and had lost sight of Chloe after she left to get her 'jiggle juice'. Some people might have called her a loner or weirdo for not joining the dancing, drinking and singing. She preferred thinking of as easing in, having never been much of a party girl. Her thoughts were interrupted by the very redhead she been thinking about plopped down on the seat next to her. "Beca! Whatcha doing all alone up here?"

"Oh, I just prefer to watch sometimes I guess."

"Well you should come join me! It's fun down there!" the ginger threw her arms up in excitement, nearly falling backwards off the seat. Beca, put her hand on the older girls lower back to steady her. Doing her best to ignore the butterfly's the simple touch was giving her.

"Whoa, easy there drunky."

The redhead mock gasped "I am not drunk!"

"Really?" The brunette replied, raising an eyebrow.

"Nope. Scouts honor." She said, holding up three fingers.

"You were a girl scout?" Beca asked, humorous disbelieve taking over face.

"Yup" The ginger replied, trying to hold back her smile before breaking down laughing and shaking her head "No. I wasn't, But I'm not drunk! I'm a little tipsy."

"Suuure you are."

"You know what." She said, standing up. "You're being a party pooper which is not allowed. So now you have to come dance."

"Chloe, I'd really rather no-"

"Shut up and dance with me!" Chloe yanked the younger girl up to her feet and dragged to the dance floor.

* * *

Beca crawled into bed, unable to get the image and feeling of dancing with Chloe out of her mind. _'I think I'm really starting to like this girl'_ Beca sighed. "Shit"

* * *

 **Okay I know basically just copy and pasted the shower scene from the movie and slightly altered it. But it already worked so well for the set up. This should be the last time movie scenes are so copy and pasted.  
**


	3. Chapter 3

Beca was beginning to regret joining an acapella group,for the cardio if nothing else. Her heart pounded, her lungs burned and her legs felt like they were going to fall off at any moment. She thought she might like the pain of running, she was wrong. When she hurt herself her mind would finally slow down, she'd start to feel numb. But when she ran she found that mind would wander, she'd think entirely to much. She had taken to running the tracks in the woods on the edge of campus. Lost in her thoughts she didn't realize she made wrong turn until branch smacked her in the face. She yelped as she she she swatted it away and cursed the branch. She looked back, noticing that she'd accidentally taken a smaller, nearly overgrown path off the main track. Curious she continued down the path, wondering what it lead to. Because that's definitely not how you get lost in the woods and eaten by wolves or cannibals.

After several minutes the path gave way to small clearing, spotting a fallen tree she took a seat on it, grateful the chance to rest her legs. She sat there a while, listening to the rushing of a near by creek, the birds in the surrounding woods. It was peaceful here, she felt a calmness come over her. Her phone buzzed.

 **Chloe: Hey! Lunch?**

 **Beca: Yeah sure. Just got to find my way out of the woods first. Ha ha.**

 **Chloe: Are you lost? Why are in the woods anyway goofball?**

 **Beca: I was doing cardio for YOUR acapella group. I may have accidentally wandered off the main path.**

 **Chloe: I think you mean OUR acapella group. Remember you're one of us now ;) Do I need to gather a Bella search party for you? You can follow the sound of our harmonizing to get out.**

 **Beca: Dear god no. I got it.**

 **Beca: I'm on my way. See you soon.**

 **Chloe: :D**

* * *

Beca walked into the diner that had become her and Chloe's place. She headed over to their usual spot in the corner booth where the redhead was waiting for, waving her over excitedly. She barely had time to sit down before the older girl pulled her in for a hug.

"Hey! Nice to see you made back from your forest adventure."

"Oh, ha ha" The brunette deadpanned.

"You do know there's a gym and track field you can use right?"

"Yeah, but if I go to either of those places I have to deal with that thing."

"What thing?"

"God what do they call it? Um, other people. That's it."

Chloe laughed and rolled her eyes "Oh yes how terrible."

"What? People suck. I don't like people."

"Well you must like some people. At least me. We've hung out everyday this week."

"I find you slightly more tolerable than most people." Chloe rolled her eyes again. Something she noticed she was doing much more since she started hanging out with the younger girl.

Beca continued. "Really though, I prefer running out there if I can. It's peaceful and I do like the solitude. Not as many people use those tracks."

"And?"

"And what?

"Come on. Admit it."

Now it was Beca's turn to roll her eyes. "Fine. And I find more than tolerable. I may even like you a little bit."

The redhead smiled "I'll take it."

Beca smiled. Her smile quickly faded when her phone began to ring, the caller ID reading 'Dad' "It's my dad."

"Answer it. I don't mind."

She picked up her phone "Hey dad."

"Hello Rebecca." She cringed at the use of her full name. "I wanted to talk to you about a couple things."

"Can it wait a little bit? I'm at lunch with a friend right now."

"A friend? You managed to make a friend here. Good."

"Yeah. Don't sound so surprised."

"You've barely been in contact since the last time you came over. I have no idea of knowing what you're doing or whether or not you're keeping your end of our deal. In fact why don't you come over this weekend to assure me you have."

"I don't know dad. I might be bus-"

"Rebecca, you can't ignore me and expect me help you at the end of the year."

"Okay dad. I'll be there."

"Bring your friend too. I'd like to meet them."

"I'll ask her later."

"Ask her now, Rebecca. She's there and I'm here."

She turned to Chloe, who was waiting patiently, looking at her phone. "Chloe?" The redhead looked at her, smiling warmly. "Do you want to come have dinner with me and my dad this weekend?"

"Yeah. I'd love to." She could see the distress in the younger girls eyes when she asked and the relief when she agreed.

"She'll be with me."

"Good. I'll see you both on Saturday then." The line went dead and Beca let out a breath of relief.

Chloe put a hand on the brunettes shoulder, rubbing it reassuringly. "You okay there, Becs? Seem a little stressed out."

"Yeah, me and my dad don't have the best relationship. It's kinda stressful to talk to him or see him sometimes."

"Why's that? If you don't mind me asking me"

"He left my mom and me when I was young." She was silent for a couple minutes. She sat there, digging her nails into her leg as hard as she could without giving it away.

"That had to be rough. I'm really sorry to hear that." Chloe could tell there was more to the story, but not wanting to to push the girl and stress her out more she dropped it.

Taking a deep breath, letting go of her leg and pushing the memory to the back of her mind turned to Chloe. "It's fine. Ancient history now."

The waitress approached the table. "I am so sorry for the wait. What can I get for you two?"

As they ordered their food, Beca couldn't help noticing the generous curves of the waitress. Nor could she help checking out the waitress as she walked away.

"Beca?" She didn't answer. Chloe followed the brunettes line of sight straight back to the waitress walking away from them. "Are you staring at her butt?"

She whipped around, a dear in the headlights look on her face. "Uh, I..."

Between this, her wandering eyes in the shower incident and the times the redhead had been sure she caught Beca checking her out at practice and while hanging out, Chloe had become pretty certain the brunette was in to girls on some level. "Beca, are you gay?"

Panic consumed the younger girl. "I. I. I have to go." She shot up from their seat, running out of the diner, ignoring Chloe cries for her to wait.

* * *

Beca crashed through the door of her dorm, immediately she began pacing the room, her mind racing. "Fuck!" She yelled. _'Shit shit shit shit. How could I let myself get caught. I have no idea how she feels about gays. I joined an all girl acapella group. Jesus all the times I let her touch me or put her arm around me. She probably thinks I'm a fucking creep! Some pervert.'_ She looked at her desk for a moment before throwing herself towards it, slamming her hip on the edge of the desk. She let out a shaky breath and repeated the action. She fell on to her bed, her breathing shallow and rapid, tears burning at her eyes. _'She's gonna tell them. She's gonna tell all of them. I'm never gonna be able to show my face again._

Her mind was still racing, she needed to stop thinking, she needed more pain. She looked the desk again. As she stood there was a knock at the door. She could hear the redheads voice. "Beca? Beca please open the door. I'm so sorry."

 _'Sorry? She's sorry?'_ She sat back down bringing her knees up to her chest and hiding her face in them. "It's open." The door opened, she felt the bed dip and the redheads arms wrapping around her. She put her arm out, gently pushing the other girl back. "Please don't touch me right now."

"Okay." The older girl replied in a soft voice. "Beca, I am so sorry. I shouldn't have come at you so bluntly like that. I should have let you come out on your own terms. I forget this can be harder for other people."

Beca thought for a second, she could still try to deny it. But given her reaction to the question she figured the truth of the matter was pretty obvious. "You don't have an problem with me being gay?"

"No, of course not. Why would I have a problem with that?" The younger girl shrugged her shoulders. "Becs, talk to me. Please?"

She lowered knees but still kept her eyes on them. "Not everybody is okay with people being gay. I thought you might think I'm some kind of pervert for letting you touch me."

Chloe opened her arms "May I?" Beca finally looked up at her, she saw nothing but warmth and kindness in the older girls eyes. She nodded. Chloe wrapped her arms around the brunette and pulled her close. "I have no problem with you being gay. I do wish I'd known sooner though. I would have been hitting on you much more aggressively."

She pulled back from the redhead. "What? You're..."

"I'm gay too. And I also kinda, really like you, Beca."

"You do?" The younger girl asked, not believing her ears.

"Yeah, I really do."

"Oh. Wow."

"Yeah..." The older girl trailed off, that not being the response she'd been hoping for. Beca was silent for a moment so she continued on. "Do you think you would be interested in me? I'd like to go on a date with you sometime."

Beca snapped out of her thoughts. "Shit. I'm sorry, Chloe. This has all been a lot to process. I didn't think this would ever actually happen. I was sure you'd never like me the I like you"

"So you do like me then." She could see the younger girls face begin to blush.

"Yeah. And I um. I think I'd like to go on that date with you. If you want I mean."

"You're so cute when you're nervous. I'd love to go on a date with you. You want to go Sunday? since we'll be at your dad's Saturday."

"Yeah. Lets do that."

"Good. Now lets eat. I brought your lunch from the diner after you left."

"Sorry about running out like that. I panicked."

"You have nothing to be sorry for Becs. It's my fault."


	4. Chapter 4

Beca was doing her best to hide her nervousness as they turned on to the street her father lived. Her hands were clammy and she was making a mental effort not to bounce her leg, sitting in the passenger side of Chloe's car. She jumped at Chloe's voice.

"You okay Bec?"

"Um yeah. Yeah. Totally fine." She sighed. "It's just my dad..."

"What about him?"

"Well he's kinda... He doesn't know about me. You know... being gay."

"Oh. Is that what you're so nervous about? Don't worry Beca, I won't say anything. I'll just cross post dinner make out in the living room off the list for tonight."

Beca forced a laugh. "Maybe next time." _'Come on Mitchell. Tell her.'_

"Here we are." The redhead informed politely, pulling into the driveway. They exited the car and walked up to the door. Before they even reached it, the door opened and they were greeted by Beca's father.

"Hello Rebecca."

"Hey dad. Dad this is my friend, Chloe. Chloe, my dad."

"It's very nice to meet you, Chloe." He said, extending his hand towards the redhead.

She took it happily."It's nice to meet you too Mr. Mitchell."

"Well come on inside. I'm just finishing up dinner." As they entered the kitchen, Beca looked around, noticing it was just the three of them.

"No Sheila tonight dad?"

"No. Sheila is out of town for a conference."

Chloe looked to Beca, a questioning look on her face. "Sheila's my step mom" The older girl nodded her head.

"Is there anything I can help with Mr. Mitchell?" The redhead offered

"No. You two take a seat." They took a seat across from each, several minutes later he served the food and sat at the head of the table. "So Rebecca, how did you and Chloe meet?"

"She's the co-captain of the group I joined. We just kinda clicked I guess."

"So you did you join a club. Which one?"

"The Barden Bellas. It's a uh, an acapella group."

"Acapella? What's that?"

Chloe spoke up to answer "Basically it's singing and music without any instruments. We as a group do the singing, music and beat with our bodies and voices. So we sing and do our own music to a dance routine."

"I see." He cast a quick glance at Beca. Slightly annoyed that it sounded like his daughter had joined some silly music group. "And all this is just for fun?"

"No, it's a competition. Once the season starts we travel around the region competing against other groups. If you do well in the regionals then you go on to the semi finals, then finally the finals in New York." The redhead finished.

"Okay. That's... respectable. It teaches teamwork, gives a goal to strive for." He said, more so to Beca than Chloe. "So Chloe, I take you're not a freshman like Rebecca."

"No. I'm a senior actually."

"What's your major?"

"Education. I want to be a teacher."

As her father continued to question Chloe, Beca sat quietly picking away at her dinner. She was torn, she wanted to save the redhead from her fathers third degree, but at the same time was relived to not have her fathers focus solely on her, as well as the fact it was running down the clock to when it would be acceptable to leave. Still she decided to speak up. "Hey dad. You don't need to interrogate her you know."

"I just want to make sure you're picking your friends wisely."

"Don't worry, Becs." The older girl said cheerfully "I totally expected this. It's not the first time I've met someones parents."

"As pretty as you are I'm sure it's not. Are you seeing anybody currently?"

"Dad. That's a little personal don't you think?" Beca said, both not wanting him to invade the redheads privacy and desperately wanting to avoid the topic of relationships.

"Its fine, Beca." Chloe replied, though she slightly off put by the question. "No. I'm single at the moment."

"Well perhaps you know a nice guy for Rebecca. Maybe with some attention she'll stop acting so glum all the time."

"Oh. Um... I don't know. I have plenty of talents but match making isn't one of them."

"Dad I don't think I'd have time for a boyfriend. You know between the radio station, practice and classes." The brunette chimed in.

"Well if you'd stop playing on your computer during your free time you would. Now Chloe. You're a senior, surely you've met some guys over the past few years."

"Well I mean... yeah, bu-"

"Then what's the issue?"

Chloe was becoming annoyed. "Beca hasn't expressed any interest in being set up or meeting anybody. When and if she does then I will be glad to see if I know anybody that would be a good match for her. But until that happens I'm not gonna force someone on her." A tense silence filled the air. Chloe and Dr. Mitchell seemingly staring each other down while Beca sat there doing her best to fight the anxiety from taking over.

It was her father that broke the silence. "Right. I understand. It was not my intention to pressure you in to anything. Truth is a worry for my daughter. You see college can be a trying time for you young adults. I simply wish for her to have some companionship during her time here. I thought it would get her to stop playing, what do kids call it? The 'emo' that's it. At this rate I'm worried she might be fooled by some queer to come to their twisted ways. That's the last thing I need. I already took a chance on my reputation by bringing her here."

Chloe nearly choked on her drink. "Their twisted ways?"

"Yes. Surely you don't approve of homosexuality."

"I don't see what the issue is."

"It's not natural. That's the issue. Its an affront to god."

"I don't understand how love in any form can be bad."

"When it's unnatural and unholy, that's how. It is not what was intended, all those who embrace it deny god and are abominations. It's just not right. They're no better than animals. I can't believe you don't understand that Chloe. Perhaps you don't have as a good on your shoulders as I thought."

"I just try to be accepting of all people."

"Accepting their sin isn't helping them. Sometimes the best way is tough love. They need to be corrected."

"I understand. Well I'm really sorry but it's getting late, Beca and I should really get going. We have an early practice in the morning." Chloe said standing up, desperate to get out.

"Of course. You both need to be at your best. It was very nice meeting you Chloe." He said casually, as if nothing had just happened.

"Of course. It was nice to meet you too. Thank you for dinner." The redhead said with her best fake smile and enthusiasm.

"Rebecca, I'll be in contact soon."

"Sure dad." The brunette said, barely above a whisper. They got in the car and pulled out the driveway. They rode for a while in silence before Chloe finally said something.

"Beca, what the fuck was that?"

"I told you tha-"

"You told me that you and you're dad weren't close! That he didn't know you're gay! Not that he was a homophobic douche bag!"

"I didn't know how..."

"I don't know, Beca. Maybe 'Hey by the way, my dad is an anti-gay asshole. Just so you know.' Do you know how shitty and insulted I feel? You couldn't warn me what might happen?" Beca stayed silent. Her guilt and anxiety overwhelming her. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to fix this. She just pushed on the large, tender bruise on her hip from the desk, focusing on the pain "Nothing? You're not gonna say anything?" The rest of the drive was spent in a tense, uncomfortable silence. They pulled up at baker dorm, the younger girl got out without a word. She didn't know what to say. She couldn't look at the redhead.

Beca entered her room and looked around. She was alone. She removed her belt and slid out of her pants. Sitting down on her bed she extended her leg setting her foot on her computer chair. Belt still in hand, she folded it so she was holding both ends in one hand. She began whipping her leg with the belt as hard as she could. Each hit brought a new thought. Whip _'Idiot!'_ Whip _'Why wouldn't you tell her?'_ Whip _'She hates you now. Just like everyone else'_ She continued to whip her leg, over and over again until she began to draw blood.

* * *

Chloe entered her apartment with a frustrated sigh. "You okay Chlo?" Aubrey said from the couch, pausing her movie. Chloe sat down next to her.

"Dinner with Beca and her dad didn't go so well."

"Why not?"

"Turns out Beca's dad is super homophobic and all around general asshole."

"Oh god. What did he say to you?"

"He didn't say anything to me directly. He doesn't know I'm gay. But just the typical anti-gay shit. Unholy, unnatural, abomination, god, blah blah blah. He was basically trying to force me to set Beca up with a guy because he's worried she might 'fooled by a queer into their twisted ways.' He seemed like he didn't even care about her. Just his reputation here. He's a professor here."

"Does Beca know you're gay?"

"Yeah."

"And she didn't say anything to warn you?"

"No. That what sucks the most. She knew and she let me walk in to that completely unaware. That's the part that hurts. We were supposed to go on a date tomorrow and now I have no idea what's going on with us."

"Wait. A date? Like you and Beca were supposed to go on a date tomorrow? So she's also gay?"

"Oh my god! Shit! I can't believe I just said that. I'm the only one who knows and I promised her I wouldn't tell anybody. Bree, please. You can't say anything!"

"Whoa. Hey Chloe, it's okay. I won't say anything. I swear." the blonde said, trying to calm the redhead before she panicked. "I know me and the midget don't exactly get along but I would never use that against her."

"I know." She said, taking a deep breath. "I'm so used to telling you everything it just kinda, slipped out." She buried her head in her hands while the blonde rubbed her back soothingly. After a while she looked back up and spoke, sadness clear in her voice "What am I gonna do? I really like her, Bree."

"Did you try talking to her?"

"I tried in the car but she wouldn't really say anything. It's like she just shut down. I guess I was kinda yelling at her though... I was pretty upset."

Aubrey thought for a moment _'I can't believe I'm about to defend the hobbit'_ "Look, as someone who knows what it's like to have a strained relationship with their dad I can tell you it's probably a lot more complicated than we realize. There's probably a few reasons why she didn't tell you. I mean I'm sure you wouldn't have been jumping with joy to go if you knew what he was like. And I can't imagine being alone with a dad who could snap if he knew I was gay, while trying to force a boyfriend on me. It sounds like there are some serious problems there."

"I still would have been there for her if she told me."

"I know you would have, you're sweetheart like that. But she doesn't, from what I gather she seems like a girl with some trust issues. I think the best thing you can do is prove to her you'll be there. Maybe let the dust settle tonight but just talk to her Chloe, let her tell her side. Don't give up on her just yet."

"You're right, I guess I didn't think of it that way. Wow, I can't believe you're pushing me towards her."

"Yeah me either."

"I think she's growing on you." Chloe said with a cheeky grin.

"Don't push it, Red." The blonde replied, unpausing her movie.

"Okay okay."She said, settling into the couch. "Bree?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Any time, Chloe."


	5. Chapter 5

**7am**

Beca sat on the fallen tree, her knees up to her chest she fiddled with her shoe lace, damp from the morning dew. The light of the rising sun reflected off the wet grass, giving the area an almost mystical appearance. Unable to find to fall into any sort of restful sleep through the night she returned to the small clearing in the woods she had found the week prior, hoping to find some sort of peace. It had been twenty minutes since she arrived. In that time she had found that her mind wasn't racing like it tended to do, instead she was thinking clearly. Thinking clearly about how guilty she felt for allowing Chloe to walk into her fathers house unaware of his homophobia. Thinking clearly about she had most likely just lost the one person to ever show her any true kindness or understanding. Her mind wasn't racing, but she wasn't sure which was worse. She checked her phone, the numbers on the screen reading **7:22.** As she was about to set it down a text flashed onto the screen.

 **Chloe: Hey. I know last night was... bad. But I was hoping that we could maybe talk ? Give me a call later. Okay?**

She stared at her phone, her thumb hovering over the screen. _'She wants to talk. That must mean she doesn't hate me. At least not completely...'_ A feeling a of determination came over her. _'I can fix this. I have an idea'_ She hopped off the tree and took off running for her room.

* * *

 **3pm**

Chloe sat the couch flicking through channels on the TV, frustrated with the lack of options she set the remote aside and checked her phone. No new messages. "Still nothing?" The blondes voice came from the other side of the room.

"Nothing." the redhead replied without looking up, instead opting to fall on her side to lay down.

Aubrey was about to speak when there was a knock at the door. She looked through the peep and saw a nervous looking Beca. She opened the door "Beca. What can I do for you?" Chloe shot up from her spot on the couch.

"Hi Aubrey. Is Chloe here?"

Before the blonde could respond the redhead was next to her, she stepped back. "I'll be in my room, Chlo."

Beca waited until she saw the blonde walk into her room and close the door before reaching for the bouquet roses she had placed out of sight of the door. "I hope you like roses, I wasn't sure what else to get."

"They're beautiful, Beca. Thank you. You didn't have to."

"I did though. There's something else in there too."

The older girl poked through the flowers until she found a small USB drive. "Whats this?" She asked, pulling it out.

"I'm not good with words but I am good with music. So I mixed you a playlist." She had told the redhead briefly about her mixing before but had never let her listen to any of her work before. "I hope it helps you understand how sorry I am."

"Come on. Lets go to my room." Chloe shut the door behind them and gently placed the flowers on her desk. Chloe sat down on her bed and tapped the spot next to her, Beca sat down but opted to keep a fair distance between them.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you my dad is... the way he is before you came over."

"Beca, I'm not mad at you. And I'm sorry I freaked out at you in the car. I was hurt that you didn't warn me before hand. I mean what if I had unknowingly told him that I'm gay?"

"Holy shit. I didn't even think about what might happen if you had said something."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was afraid that if I told you then you wouldn't have gone with me. I hate being there. Even when my step mom is home its not any better, she's exactly the same way. So I just hoped that it wouldn't come up since you were a guest there. Which sounds pretty selfish now that I say it out loud... I'm really sorry, Chloe."

"I guess I can't blame you for thinking that way. I want you to know that you don't have to be afraid to talk to me. I'm here for you. If it's to talk or go with you to your dads or whatever. I'm here for you Becs."

"You'd go back with me after all that?"

"I would. Unless he's also a serial killer and you haven't told me that either."

The brunette chuckled. "No, he's not that bad. As far as I know... So that means you accept my apology?"

"You gotta do one thing before I accept."

"What's that?"

"You gotta scooch over here and give me a hug." The older girl said, holding her arms open. Beca gave an exaggerated eye roll but did so nonetheless. They sat there for a moment, their arms wrapped around each other. The brunette pulled back and Chloe watched as the younger girls stormy blue eyes flicked between her own eyes and her lips a few time before she turned her head. The redhead placed her hand on the brunettes cheek and gently turned it back to regain eye contact. "Its okay, Beca" She said, barely above a whisper. She leaned in, bringing her face close to Beca's, leaving some space. Allowing the younger girl the choice to close the distance or pull away. Beca hesitated only a moment before closing the distance.

The kiss was short, and gentle. The brunette pulled back, a blush starting starting to consume her face. "I don't suppose you still want to go on that date tonight?"

"Absolutely." The redhead said, standing up." Just give a little bit to get ready."

"Right." The the brunette said, also standing up and head towards the door to give Chloe some privacy.

"But Beca."

"Yeah?" She said, turning around.

"You may have gotten a pre-date kiss but don't assume that means you're getting lucky tonight. I don't put out on the first date. Usually." She finished with a wink.

"I didn't. I mean I wouldn't. I mean." She turned and exited the room, deciding not dig that hole any deeper. She took a deep breath, listening to the faint sounds of the redhead giggling through the door. She moved to the living room to wait on their couch.

"Where's Chloe?" Aubrey said, entering the living room.

"She's in her room. Getting ready. We're gonna go grab some food. Did you need her for something?"

"No. I came out to get a drink and saw you sitting alone is all." The blonde knew the two of them going out for food meant that they had made up and were likely heading out on the their the redhead had mentioned before. She couldn't resist the chance to make the younger girl squirm a little bit. "Now that you mention it though I am starving. Mind if I tag along with you guys?"

"Oh, Well um. I don't know. I guess we can see if Chloe minds..."

"I'm sure she won't mind. Besides we should get to know each other a little more."

"Yeah. Yeah I guess." The brunette said, resigning to the fact she may have to reschedule her date with Chloe.

Aubrey noticed the slight look a disappointment on the younger girls face before she covered it up and decided to give the girl some mercy. "On second thought I have a paper I should really get done tonight. You guys have fun though." She nearly started laughing seeing the relief on Beca's face.

"That's to bad. I'd say have fun with that but you know."

"Right." She turned back before exiting the living room. "We really should hang out some time though."

"Seriously?"

"Dixie Chick serious."

"I thought you hated me?"

"I don't hate you, Beca. I just think you have a bad attitude when its comes when it comes to the Bellas. Chloe really seems to like you. She's been my best friend for years so I know she wouldn't attach herself to someone if they weren't good people. If only for her sake I want to know as more than the alt girl with an attitude. And of course Chloe will be there as a buffer."

The brunette thought for a moment. "Yeah, yeah okay. Lets do that sometime."

Aubrey returned to her room, a couple minutes later the redhead emerged from her room. "All set. You ready to go, Becs?"

"Yup. Lets go."

As the girls descended the stairs of the building it occurred to the redhead that they had never actually ironed out any details for the date. "Hey Becs, what's the plan for tonight? With everything that happened we never decided what we were doing or who was planning."

"I came up with an idea earlier. It's best I can do with no car and the little that the radio station pays but I'm hoping you'll like it."

* * *

"A roller rink?" The redhead questioned staring up at the neon sign of the building. The girls having just come from lunch.

"Yeah... You hate it don't you?"

"No! Not at all. I just... never would have taken you for a roller skating girl."

"I'm full of surprises. Plus it's in walking distance of campus. Come on." They headed inside, rented their skates and found a bench to put them on. All the while the redhead was getting more nervous. She wobbled when stood up and nearly fell as she tried to follow behind, the brunette reaching out to steady the older girl. "Are you okay, Chlo?"

"I have a confession. I don't know how to skate."

"Oh. Okay. Well here, I'll teach you." The younger girl said holding her hand out for the redhead to take. "Or we can leave. Whatever you want to do."

"Teach me, wise one." She replied with a smile, taking the offered hand.

"Okay, first put your feet together, bend your knees a little and take it slow."

They spent the next couple hours in the slow lane of the rink. Chloe doing her best to get the hang of skating while holding on to Beca's arm for dear life. She was grateful for how patient the brunette was. When the redhead fell in dramatic fashion, her leg flying up in the air and taking the shorter girl down with her, they both burst into a fit of laughter. By the end Chloe was staying upright and moving all on her own. "You go Chloe!" Beca called out from behind her date.

* * *

"Lets get ice cream!" The redhead cried out, pulling the brunette across the street towards the ice cream shop as soon as they exited the roller rink. Beca reached for her wallet but was stopped by the older girl. "I got this. You already payed for lunch and the skates." They got their Ice cream and began slowly walking back towards campus, chatting idly. After reaching campus they settled down on a quiet spot on the quad, gazing on the stars that were beginning to emerge in the sky. While Chloe enjoyed what she thought was a comfortable silence Beca's mind began to race.

 _'What I am doing? I can't have a girlfriend here.'_

"Hey Beca."

 _'I'm wasting her time. Why didn't I think this through?'_

"Beca?"

 _'Idiot. Fucking Idiot!'_

"Earth to Beca. Come in Becs."

The younger girl finally snapped out of her thoughts "Sorry. What?"

"You okay there? Thought I was losing you there for a second."

"Yeah. I'm fine. Just tired, didn't sleep much last night. What's up?"

"I wanted to tell you I had a really good time tonight."

"Yeah, me too."

Chloe felt less confident about her next question. The younger girl seemed distant. "I know this is only our first date, but I really like you Beca. I'm hoping that you would like to be my girlfriend?"

Beca turned her head to look at the ground. "I... I don't think... I can't. I'm sorry."

"Oh. Okay. Can I ask why?" Hurt evident in the older girls voice as she replied.

"I'm not ready to be open about being gay. Even if I was I don't think I could with my dad working here. I didn't think this through before. I'm sorry for wasting your time tonight."

"We wouldn't have to tell anybody."

"I don't want you to have to hide. You deserve to be more than my dirty little secret."

"What if I want to be your dirty little secret? I want to be with you for you Beca. I doesn't matter if anybody knows. Besides, being sneaky about it is kinda hot."

"You're sure? You'd really be okay not telling anybody? Not even Aubrey?"

"Positive. So will you be my secret girlfriend?"

"Yes." The brunette replied, unable to suppress the ear to ear smile she had.

"Well then come on. Lets go see if your roomie is gone. I want to kiss my secret girlfriend." They left, heading towards Beca's dorm. "By the way Becs. Even if we weren't doing this. I wouldn't consider tonight wasted time. Any time with you is time well spent." Beca turned her head looking in all directions. When she was sure the coast was clear she quickly pressed her lips to the redheads.

* * *

 **I had a surprisingly difficult time coming up with a good date idea and getting it down in writing. Probably explains a bit about my life... Anyway.  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**1) I apologize for the delay on this chapter. I had a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do with it which killed my motivation for a little while. I managed to find it but to be honest I'm still not really happy with the way it turned out.**

 **2) It's mentioned in the chapter but looking back on it feel like it's not super clear so just so you know there's is a bit of a time jump. This Chapter takes place roughly a month after last chapter.**

 **3) Slight spoiler. This Chapter features Chloe's parents! For those of you who like a visual I imagine her mom as actress Amy Adams. Red hair, blue eyes, early 40's. Seems a good fit. And I recently watched** **nocturnal animals so I guess her dad can be Jake Gyllenhaal. Why not.**

 **4) And finally I want to give a shout out and big thank you to everyone reading and especially to everyone who's followed, favorited and reviewed! You're all the best!**

* * *

Her hands stung as she held the ice, refusing to let go. _'Why am I still doing this?'_ For the past month everything was going well, her and Chloe were great and no one seemed to be catching on to their relationship, she had avoided anymore blow ups with her father and even her classes were going okay. She didn't understand why she still felt the urge to hurt herself. A knock at the door grabbed her attention, she quickly released the ice into the trash bin and did her best to dry her hands. She opened the door. The redhead poked her head inside checking for the brunettes roommate, seeing her alone the older girl stepped in, shutting the door behind her and wrapping her arms around the shorter girl.

"Hey baby." She jumped at the at how cold her girlfriends hands were on her back. "Jesus babe, your hands are freezing."

"Sorry. I spilled my ice tray from my mini fridge and just finished picking up the ice. But what are you doing here? Don't you have class right now?" The brunette said, quickly trying to change topics.

"We got out early. So I decided it was the perfect time to come see you." She finished with a kiss.

Beca relaxed into the older girls embrace, she a took a deep breath taking in the scent of her girlfriend. She was slightly amazed at how just a few minutes with the redhead did so much to calm her racing mind. She pulled back suddenly. "Come with me. I want to show you something."

* * *

"We're almost there." Beca pushed aside the final bit of brush stepping into the clearing in the woods, gently pulling the redhead behind her in as well. "I found this place when I was running one day. I come here sometimes when I'm stressed or whatever. I find it peaceful here. I wanted to share it with you. For some reason..." The younger girl trailed off, feeling pretty lame all of the sudden.

The redhead pulled the brunette into her once again wrapping her arms around the smaller girl. "I think it means you trust me enough to share your haven with me. Which makes me very happy."

The younger girl groaned "Do you have to make it sound so sappy?"

"Stop pretending you aren't just big softy. You're not fooling me anymore." She quipped before pressing her lips to the brunettes.

"Only for you Chlo."

"Good." The remained there in silence for a moment. "You do realize this means you have no where to hide from Bella rehearsals now right?"

"I regret my decision immediately." The older girl laughed. Beca pulled back and began heading towards the fallen tree. "Come sit down with me."

"This really is a beautiful spot" Chloe noted as she sat down. "I can't believe I never knew about it before." They again remained in silence, enjoying the serenity of the woods around them. "Big weekend ahead. Are you nervous?" They had decided that this weekend they would take up Aubrey's offer to get to know the younger girl, as well as introduce the brunette to the redheads parents.

"I'm not really nervous about Aubrey. If we don't kill each other at practice today at least. I might be a little nervous about your parents."

"You know Bree might be a little more lenient if she knew about us. She's won't to judge you, she's known about me for years."

"I know. But maybe she says something at practice, then all the girls know. Then they say something to someone else and so on and eventually it gets back to my dad."

The redhead sighed. A familiar feeling of guilt creeping up. True to her word she had never confirmed their relationship to Aubrey, but given her previous slip up and how well her best friend knew her it didn't take long for the blonde to figure it out. "Okay. You're right. Your dad sucks."

"Tell me about it... I'm sorry Chloe, I know it must be hard to keep this a secret. Maybe we can tell your parents about us."

"I'd really like that." She leaned her head on to the younger girls shoulder and smiled when she felt a kiss placed on her head. "I hate to ruin the moment but we should probably get going. You know what happens when someones late for rehearsal."

* * *

Beca climbed the stairs behind Chloe to the older girls apartment, curious on how tonight would go. Rehearsals had gone fairly well, most of the day being spent on cardio. Beca couldn't help but wonder if the blonde had done that on purpose to avoid another fight over the set.

"Hey, Bree." Chloe said, entering the living room.

"Hi, Aubrey." Beca said, following the redhead in.

"Hi guys." The three of them settled into seats, Aubrey in a recliner while Beca and Chloe took the couch. With an awkward silence starting to set in Aubrey made the first move. Her goal was to get to know the brunette so she figured she start simple."So Beca, what do you do in your free time?"

"Well if Chloe's not around I usually work on my music."

"Your music?"

"Yeah. I mix music. Mash ups, that sort of thing."

"Oh my god Bree. They're really good. I love them." The redhead chimed in.

"You do that just for fun?" The blonde questioned.

"Kinda. I enjoy it and it helps me relax but I plan to make a future out of it. My goal is to become a music producer."

"Wow. That's really cool."

"Really?"

"Yeah. What did you think I would say?"

"I don't really know I guess."

"Beca, I'm not trying to interrogate or judge you. Like I said before you're important Chloe so I want to get know you. Speaking of our favorite redhead, I'm surprised you have time to do anything with how much she's around you."

"I still work them while she does her homework. It's the only way for me to get anything done since I picked up my ginger stalker. I only get to shower when she goes to class."

Chloe mock gasped "You jerk. You love my company and you know it. I bet most people would love a stalker like me."

"Eh, You feed me so I guess it's worth it." The older girl reached out lightly slapping the younger girls arm. "Owwwwww"

"Oh that didn't hurt."

"Yes it did. I think its broken."

Aubrey smirked "You two really are cute together." She winced the instant the words left her mouth. Beca turned and gave the blonde a questioning look while Chloe shot a glare at her fellow senior. Aubrey quickly glanced at Chloe as if to say 'I got this' "I mean to two are together aren't you?"

The brunette turned towards her girlfriend. "You told her? What the hell Chloe, you promised."

"No. Beca, I swear I didn't say anything."

"She didn't tell me Beca." The blonde quickly intervened. "I've been her best friend years. I noticed she was even more peppy than usual lately. Plus with how much time she spends with you and how you two are around each other I just kinda put it together. I didn't realize it was supposed to be secret."

Beca looked at the blonde for a moment before turning back to the redhead. "I'm sorry I snapped at you."

"It's okay Becs." The older girl said, putting her arm around the smaller girl.

"So yeah. I'm gay and me and Chloe have been dating for a little while. Please don't tell anybody. My dad works on campus and he doesn't know. I don't want it getting back to him." Beca said, turning her focus back towards Aubrey.

"You have my word. I won't tell anybody."

* * *

The next day Beca found herself with a feeling of deja vu sitting in the passenger seat of Chloe's car. Only this time she was on her way to home of the redheads parents. "You okay over there baby? You're awfully quiet. Nervous about meeting my parents?" Chloe questioned, turning down the car radio.

"Yeah I'm fine. Just thinking about Aubrey."

"Should I be jealous?"

"Absolutely. We've already planned how we're gonna runaway together." The brunette deadpanned.

"Damn it! I knew that was a bad idea."

"Really though, It's just that she figured us out. I can't help but wonder if that means other people have or will also."

"I don't think we need to worry about that. Bree only figured it out because we've been so close for so long. Plus I live with her." The redhead again tried to suppress the feeling of guilt creeping up as she told her half lie. Torn between revealing that she'd told the blonde about their date or going on now that it had all worked out.

"Yeah. You're probably right."

"You had fun last night though, right? You and Bree got along pretty well. I might even dare to say you like each other."

"Yeah. It went better than I expected. You know after that first awkward bit. She's cool. I'm surprised she actually has good taste in music. But that just makes her insistence on using music from last century for the Bellas set all the more frustrating."

"I know. She beats herself up over last year. I think she wants to prove to herself that she can get it right and win with that set."

"I guess I get that." Beca paused for a moment and put her hand on the older girls leg. "Don't worry babe, I'm sure once the competition is done me and her will be really fast friends as you put it. I know it's important to you." Chloe responded by grabbing her hand and pulling it up to kiss the back of it. "Now that you mention it though, is there anything I should know about your parents? Should I be prepared for... anything?"

"You don't have anything to be nervous about baby. My parents are cool, they're gonna love you."

* * *

Beca's eyes widened as they pulled up in front of the redheads family. "Holy shit, Chloe. You didn't tell me your family was loaded."

"Mom's a doctor and dad's an architect. They do pretty well. It looks a lot bigger than it actually is." Noticing the younger girl looking slightly intimated she added "Don't let this make you nervous. They're not the snotty, stuck up type of wealthy. They're gonna love you."As they entered the home Chloe screamed "MOMMY I'M HOME!"

Beca recoiled from the volume of the redheads voice. "Jesus Chloe. Warn me next time."

"Sorry." The older girl said with a giggle.

"In the kitchen!" A voice called back.

"This way Becs." Beca followed her through the house into the kitchen. Entering the room Chloe lunged forward immediately hugging her mother. "Hi mommy."

"Hey sweetheart."

"Where's daddy?"

"Right here baby bear." Her father said, entering the kitchen. Chloe jumped from her mom to hug her dad.

"Hi daddy." She pulled back and returned to Beca's side. Putting her arm around the shorter girl and gently pushing her forward to introduced her. "Mom, Dad, this is Beca. She's my girlfriend."

"Girlfriend? You didn't tell me you were bringing a girlfriend home. I would have made my famous lasagna." Her mother responded. She leaned in closely to Beca, looking directly into her stormy blue eyes. The brunette stood there silently, her eyes flicking back and forth between her girlfriend and her girlfriends mother. She would have been impressed with how much their eyes and hair matched if she wasn't so confused.

"Mom what are you doing?"

'I don't actually know." She stood up straight and offered her hand. "It's very nice to meet you Beca."

"Um yeah. I mean. It's nice to meet you too Mrs. Beale." Beca replied, taking the offered hand.

"Please, call me Susan."

"And you can call me Jake." Mr. Beale said, stepping forward to also shake her hand.

"Mom! Don't be weird like that. You're gonna scare her off."

"It's okay Chloe. I don't scare that easy." The brunette assured her girlfriend.

"I like her. Well come on girls take a seat. I want to get to know your girlfriend." Susan said, gesturing towards the table. "So how long have you two been dating?" She asked once they were all seated.

"A month." Beca replied.

"Chloe, why wouldn't you tell me something like this?"

Beca spoke up before Chloe could respond. "That's probably my fault. We've been keeping it secret."

"Why's that?" Jake asked

"It's not because I'm ashamed of your daughter or anything like that. Definitely not. It's just that I'm not really out yet. Aside from you now the only person that knows is Aubrey. And that's only because she figured us out."

"Your family doesn't know?" Susan asked.

"No. My dad's a teacher at Barden. That's why we're keeping it secret. He's uh, pretty religious."

"I've met him. It's better that he doesn't know." Chloe chimed in.

"I understand. I'm sure he'll come around some day. But until then you're always welcome here, Beca." Susan offered.

"Thank you."

"What about your mother?"

Beca's eyes opened wide "My mom?"

"Yeah. What does she do? Does she know about you?"

"Um. No... My mom. She's gone. She died a few years ago."

Chloe looked at her in shock and took the younger girls hand. But it was her mother that spoke. "Oh my god, Beca. I'm so sorry."

"It's fine. You couldn't have known. I never told Chloe. Can I use your bathroom?" The brunette said, doing her best to keep her composure.

"Of course. It just through there then down the hall on the left."

She got up mumbling a quick thanks before briskly walking out. When she didn't return after five minutes Chloe decided to go check on her. Chloe knocked lightly on the bathroom door. "Beca? Baby are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'll be out in a second." She quickly wiped away the tears that she had failed to hold back, took a deep breath and exited the room. "We should get back to them." She said, attempting to walk passed the redhead. She was stopped by the older girl grabbing her arm. "I don't want to talk about it." She said, turning to face the redhead.

"I know." Chloe whispered, pulling the tiny brunette into her arms. Beca settled into the crook of her neck. They stood there for a moment, Chloe gently stroking the younger girls hair and pretending to not feel tears leaking onto her shoulder.

Finally Beca pulled back, quickly rubbing her eyes. "We should get back to your parents."

"Okay" Chloe replied softly.

As they reentered Chloe's father turned to them. "Hey. I was thinking of grilling some burgers for lunch. You girls hungry?"

"Yeah. Sounds good." Beca replied, thankful they seemed to not be dwelling on what had happened.

"Thanks daddy."

As the redheads parents began to set up for lunch Beca turned to Chloe "I'll tell you about it someday. I just need some time."

Chloe squeezed her hand reassuringly and kissed her cheek. "Whenever you're ready Becs."


	7. Chapter 7

**Night of** **Regionals**

Beca's mind raced as she tried to figure just exactly how much shit she was in. She couldn't believe she was currently sitting in the holding cell over a broken window. _'Why did I get involved the fight? Me and Jesse are hardly even friends. When did I start caring for other people? God, how I am gonna explain this to my dad? Maybe I can hide it somehow? Fuuuck.'_ She was pulled from her thoughts by an officer "Mitchell. You're good to go." He told her, opening the cell.

The brunette made her way to the front lobby and let a breath of relief when she saw Chloe waiting for her. "Hiya Becs!" The redhead called in a surprisingly chipper tone.

"Hey Chlo. You have no idea how relieved I am to see you. I thought they were going to call my dad."

"The officer was kinda surprised I was here to get you. He said you hadn't made your call yet so I think you're in the clear for now." Chloe explained as she linked their arms and started towards the exit. "So how was prison? Did you join a gang? Did you meet any murders? Do you have any new prison tat?!"

The brunette laughed "No nothing like that. Just some drunk lady going on about aliens."

"Oh, she sounds scary. Did you shiv her?" The older girl joked as they walked into the parking lot.

"What? Of course not. What kind of person do you think I am?"

"A prison badass willing to do anything to get back to me?"

"Well I guess you're not totally wrong. But you sure took your time getting me, you even went home to change your clothes." She said, looking the redhead up and down.

"Well come on Becs. We can't wear the same outfit at a police station. That would ridiculous. Plus I had to get my car because Aubrey didn't want to bring the bus here."

Beca stopped for a moment, stopping the redhead as well. "Seriously Chloe. Thank you for bailing me out. Literally. I'll pay you back, I swear."

"You don't need to thank me. And don't worry about it, one of the perks of having loaded parents." She finished with a wink. She started to lean in before stopping herself.

"It's okay babe. I think we're from enough from campus." Beca said, closing the distance between them.

"Beca?" A confused, almost hurt sounding voice called out.

"Jesse?" Beca turned to face him. "What are you-"

"REBECCA!" Her fathers voiced rang out, filled with rage. He approached from behind Jesse.

"What the fuck, Jesse?! You called my dad?!"

"I wanted to help." He said, not realizing the mistake he'd made.

"First I get called this late at night to find out you've been arrested. Now I find you here kissing her?!" He yelled, pointing a finger at Chloe.

"Dad I-"

"Shut up!" He took a deep breath. "Tell me. How long have you been fucking girls?"

"I haven't. Chloe's my first and we haven't even had-"

"Oh! So what? She turned you?!"

"What? No! I've always been this way. Chloe's just the first person I've dated."

Her father scoffed. "Always been this way. I knew I should've taken you with me when I left. Leave it to your mother raise an abomination. She was a failure of a parenthood."

The brunette filled with a sudden rage hearing him talk about her mother in such a way. She stormed towards him "This isn't moms fault! She was a better parent than you'll ever be! Why can't you just accept me for who I am?! I'm your fucking daughter! You're supposed-" He swung, slamming the back of his hand into her face.

"Beca!" Chloe cried out, rushing to her girlfriend who was now on the ground, holding her cheek, looking up at him in disbelief. Chloe put herself between the brunette and her father and held her protectively.

He glared down at the two girls. "No. I will NOT have a delinquent dyke for daughter. Rebecca. Abandon this girl and you're tainted lifestyle." He said, disgust evident in his voice. "And come to me. I'll get in contact with the church and we'll get started on curing you of this illness. If you continue living in sin then you are no longer my child." He returned to his car and quickly pulled out of the station.

"Come on baby. We gotta talk to the cops." The redhead said, pulling the younger girl to her feet.

"No."

"No? Beca he just assaulted you. We're at the police station. The cops are right there." She exclaimed, pointing at the building.

"I don't want to talk to them right now. Please Chloe. I just want to go." Beca said, fighting back the tears that threatened her eyes.

Chloe's heart ached seeing her girlfriend like this. "Okay. Okay lets go then."

Jesse came running up to them as they walked towards Chloe's car. "Beca. I'm so sorry. I didn't. I just wanted to help."

The brunette again felt rage bubbling to the surface."Help? Help?! Fuck you, Jesse! Help isn't calling my dad! How could you-"

"Hey. Hey. This isn't helping anything. Lets just get you out of here for now." The redhead interrupted.

Jesse persisted. "Beca please."

Beca pulled away from her girlfriend. "Fuck off, Jesse! This is your fault!"

Chloe moved between the two. "Jesse! Just stop. Now's clearly not a good time. We'll figure this all out soon, okay? Just leave her alone right now." With that she grabbed the brunette's hand and lead her back to her car.

Making the trip back to Barden. Chloe desperately wanted to say something, anything to help but didn't know what to say. Beca sat there, her head leaned against the window staring out into the darkness. "Becs... how's your face? Does it hurt?"

"A little. It's fine." She answered, still gazing out the window.

"We'll out some ice on it when we get back to my place."

"I'm not going to your apartment."

"Why not?"

"I don't even want to try to explain or lie to Aubrey about what happened. You know she isn't just gonna let me slip by after getting arrested."

"Fine. We'll go to your room." Beca remained silent. "Beca talk to me. Please?"

"What do you want me to say? We knew how he'd react if he ever found out. Now he has. Nothing anyone can do about it."

"Tell me what your thinking, what your feeling. You shouldn't just bottle it up."

"Look I don't know okay. I'm... processing. Just let me do it my way for now." They drove the rest of the way in silence. When they eventually reached Baker dorm Chloe began taking off her seat belt but was stopped by the younger girl.

"What?"

"Chloe, I'm sorry but I really want to be alone tonight. I know you want to help but I need time. To process everything. I'm just gonna be on my computer working through it with music anyway."

"Baby, I can't just-"

"I'll be fine. I'll call you in the morning. I promise. I really need to be alone tonight."

"Fine. But you better call me first thing in the morning."

"I will." The redhead leaned in kissing her on her red, swollen cheek. As the older girl pulled away Beca turned her head and briefly connected their lips. "I'll see you tomorrow." With that she got out of the redheads car and made her way into her room. As soon as she confirmed she was alone all the emotion she'd holding back in front of Chloe came out. She grabbed her pillow and screamed into it. Her mind and heart raced while familiar urge to harm came roaring up. She all but ripped off the skirt from her Bellas uniform and sat down on the bed. Like so many times before she took a deep breath and balled her hand into a fist.

Meanwhile Chloe still sat in her car parked outside Baker dorm. After another minute of debating in her head she took off her seat belt and stepped out of the car. Part of her felt bad for going against the brunette's wishes but she couldn't bring herself to just leave after everything that happened. She wasn't gonna leave Beca totally alone. Even if it meant sitting silently in the corner to give her girlfriend the space she needed. She was gonna be there for the girl she loved. _'Love? I think I love her.'_ With that thought she quickly made her way to the brunette's room.

As she reached the door she raised her hand knock but hesitated when she heard crying. She instead checked the door knob to find it unlocked. She cracked the door and poked her head in "Baby? I know you said-" The scene in front of her as she entered, Beca with tears streaming down her face slamming her fist into her own leg, shocked, confused and broke Chloe's heart. "Oh my God, Beca what are you doing?!" She barged into the room rushing to her girlfriend and grabbed the younger girls fist. Beca pulled back in shock and attempted to free her arm to no avail. Her eyes made contact with the now tear filled sapphire eyes of her girlfriend for only a second before breaking down into sobs and collapsing onto the redhead. Chloe caught her, pulling her close and wrapping her arms around the petite brunette. She rubbed soothing circles onto the younger girls back. "You're okay. I got you." She cooed.

After several minutes Beca managed to calm and compose herself, she attempted to pull away from Chloe but was held back by the older girl. "I just want to put pants on." She explained. After retrieving and putting on a pair of pajama pants and taking off the rest of the uniform down to her tank top she sat down on the bed, pulling her knees up to her chest and burying her face into them.

Chloe began to rub her back. "Becs?" she didn't respond. "Baby, can you look at me please?" She shook her head. Chloe thought for a moment before gently pushing the younger girl over and moved to lay behind her. She put her arm around the brunette and entwined their hands. They laid there in silence until Beca finally spoke.

"I'm sorry you had to see that."

"Is that why you wanted me to leave? So you could..."

"Yeah."

"Was that the first time?" The redhead asked, even though she was pretty sure she knew the answer.

"...No."

"Why do you hurt yourself?"

"Can we talk about this later please?"

"I really think we need to talk about this, Becs."

"I know. But it's been a shitty night and I just really want to sleep. Can we talk about it tomorrow?"

"Okay. You're right. We'll talk about it in the morning."


	8. Chapter 8

**I'm late. I'm sorry. I have no excuses. I do feel genuinely bad for taking so long to update this. I hope it's at least somewhat worth the wait. I'm having surgery soon so hopefully during my recovery time I'll be able to get some good work done on this. Anyway, enjoy.**

* * *

Beca awoke to a face full of red hair and her own chocolate locks being gently stroked. She looked up, locking eyes with the older girl and receiving a warm smile before dropping her head back into the fiery hair. "Please tell me last night was just a nightmare." The brunette mumbled into her girlfriends shoulder.

"Afraid not, baby. Hey Becs?" The ginger spoke softly after a moment.

"Hm." The younger girl hummed in response.

"Where's your roommate?"

Beca turned her head and sure enough the bed across the room was empty. "I don't know. She only stays here a couple nights a week. She seems fine when I see her so I don't question it."

A couple minutes passed before Chloe spoke again. "Was it true what you said to your dad about me?"

"What?"

"When you were fighting with your dad you said that I'm your first. Am I really your first girlfriend?"

"Oh, that. Yeah. You are. I never told anyone I was gay at my high school. And after my mom died I didn't really go out or put myself out there. I barely had friends. Never mind a girlfriend."

"Will you tell me about her? Your mom."

Beca finally sat up and the redhead followed to sit next to her. "Well, for starters she loved life, always had a positive attitude no matter what. Even after my dad left. She was the one who gave me my love music. It was almost always playing in the house. If it wasn't she was humming and singing to make her own. You would have gotten along with her really well."

"I think we would have too. How did she end up with someone like your dad?"

"I asked her that once. She told me he was a different man once. Or at least pretended to be. But that she didn't regret a single moment, that she would do it all again because it lead to me." Beca let out a heavy breath. "She died in a car accident. Some drunk asshole blew through the red light and slammed right into her. She died before the ambulance even got there... It's my fault she died." The small brunette trailed off, tears beginning to fall.

"It's not your fault babe. How could it be your fault?"

"She didn't need to go down that road to get home. I called her and asked her to get food. She didn't want to but I begged her to do it. I got my mom killed over some fucking chinese food." She finshed, sobbing into the older girls shoulder, unable to hold back any longer.

Chloe held the girl tightly. "It's not your fault-"

"It is! If I had just listened-"

Chloe grabbed Beca by both sides of her face. "Beca, look at me. It's not your fault. There's no way you could have known what would happen and you are not responsible for some dip shit who decided to go drunk driving." The brunette averted her gaze, Chloe pulled her head back into her shoulder. She stroked younger girls hair as she cried. "It's not your fault." She repeated gently. Eventually the smaller girl composed herself, pulled away slightly and wiped her face. "Is that when you started hurting yourself?" The redhead asked.

"Yeah. I moved in with my grandparents after she died. Before long I started getting what I assume are anxiety attacks. My mind would start racing with thoughts, my heart rate would go crazy. One time during an attack I threw my head back in frustration and I hit the wall pretty hard. I didn't even mean too. But the pain distracted me, so I did it again. After a couple times I wasn't freaking out anymore. I tried it again when I was overwhelmed with grief and guilt. Aside from the throbbing pain I just felt numb. I decided that numb is better. Numb is worth the pain." Beca explained in a surprisingly monotone voice.

"You didn't have anyone to talk to?"

"I didn't have any close friends. My grandparents tried to help. But they had their own grieving to do. They'd just lost their daughter and was now responsible for their granddaughter. I didn't want to burden them anymore than I already was."

"I'm sure they wouldn't have seen it that way."

"Probably not. Still didn't want to do that to them though. Can't say I really want to burden you with this either."

"You're not a burden to me. Don't you ever think that you are. You don't have to hold everything in anymore. You can always talk to me."

"You can't always be here though."

"Not physically, but I'm always just a call away. I don't care what time it is or where I am. If you need me, call me. I don't want you to have to go through that sort of pain again."

"I'm sorry you had to see that."

Chloe thought for a moment, unsure whether the question in her head would upset the brunette. "Do you always do it that way?"

"No. Once a spot is bruised it hurts to much even for me. So I mix it up. I do things like burn myself with lighters, hold ice until it stings and burns, slam myself into furniture."

"Baby... How could I have not noticed this?"

"I do it where people won't see. If they do they see bruise. If they ask I just tell them I'm clumsy. You've seen me at rehearsal, it's not unbelievable. I actually haven't done it as much since I've been with you... Can we continue this later? I think I'm all talked out right now."

Chloe really didn't want to stop but also didn't want to push the younger girl too far. "Okay. But you'll talk to me if you start feeling that way again right?"

"Yeah."

* * *

 **Several days later**

Beca sat at her desk in one of the rare moments she really cared about getting her school work done. She reached and opened a drawer to grab a pen when she discovered a note where her lighter used to be. She lifted it up and read it.

' _Hey Becs =D I borrowed your lighter because. Well because Aubrey started smoking. Yup that's it. You probably won't get it back from her. She's basically a chimney now. I'm sorry. I know you like your scented candles. Tell you what, we'll get you a wax melt! They're just as good. And don't get as hot... We'll go shopping for one soon! I promise.'_

Beca smirked at the idea of prim and proper Aubrey smoking. Even if it wasn't for real. She also couldn't help but smile at the cute way her girlfriend was trying to help her. She set the note down and headed over to grab a drink out of the mini fridge. Upon opening she saw that her ice tray was gone and in it's place was another note.

 _'Hey Baby. Needed to borrow your ice tray too. Because my air conditioner broke... ? I don't have a funny reason for this one. I just really want to hold your hands and it's not as fun when their cold =('_

Just as she was about to go on a hunt for more notes around her room there was a knock at the door and a familiar voice that followed "Guess who!"

"Come on in Chlo!"

"You shouldn't be so trusting Becs. What if I was a murderer who was really good at impersonations?"

"You're right. We need a password. I vote platypus."

"That's a great password! That's it from now on."

Beca shook her head and laughed "You're a dork. I got your notes by the way."

"Yeah?"

"I feel like part of me should be upset at you for stealing my stuff. But I understand why you wouldn't trust me with that stuff."

"It's not that I don't trust you. You said you would call me and I believe you. I just thought it might take away the temptation if they weren't right there."

"I get that."

"You heard anything from your dad?"

"Nope. I guess he really is done with me. Unless I give total control of my life to him that is. You know I'm kind of glad he found out."

"Really?"

"Yeah. A lot of the times I hurt myself it was because of something he said or did. I was so afraid of him finding out and what would happen that I would need to do it."

"You couldn't control him so you controlled your pain."

"Yeah. I guess that's one reason. How'd you know?"

Chloe was silent for a moment. "Back in high school I had an eating disorder."

Beca was taken back this sudden confession from her girlfriend. "What?"

"Yeah. I had an eating disorder. I was super nice. Too nice. I would say yes or do almost anything people asked of me. From my parents, my friends, teachers, even people I barely knew. Even though I knew they would understand if I said no, just told them I was to busy. I was so afraid to disappoint people though. I would give people rides everywhere, do homework for people, lend money. My teachers would want me involved in so many different after school things plus the responsibilities my parents would give me. Then I had to play catch up for the stuff actually needed to do for myself. I felt like I didn't have any control over my life. So I stopped eating, my weight was the one thing I could control. At my lowest point I was seventy five pounds. Until one day Aubrey walked in to my room while I was changing. I didn't have a shirt on, so she saw I thin I was."

"What happened?"

"She didn't say a word. She turned around, marched right back downstairs and told my parents. They got help for me. Eventually I started eating properly and learned how to say no. How to put myself first every now and then."

"Wow. I never would have guessed."

"I can't imagine everything you've gone through. But at least on some level I get it. Why you do it. Can I ask you question about it?"

"Yeah."

"Why do you do it the way you do? Why don't you..."

"Why don't I cut?"

"Yeah..."

"A couple reasons. People see the scars and know immediately what they are and how you got them. They judge you, pity you. I didn't want any of that. I already got enough pity from people after my mom died. This way, like I said before, bruises could happen from anything. It's a lot easier to explain away. Also if you make a mistake cutting, cut to deep and that could be it. Despite thinking about it I guess was never quite ready to die. Plus truth be told I'm also not that great with blood."

The thought of the brunette dying shook the redhead. She reached over and pulled her close. "I'm glad you weren't." Beca didn't say anything, she simply squeezed the older girl tighter. "I love you."

"What? You... love me?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry. That came out of left field. I realized it that night. Just before walking in on you. No pressure to say it back. Whenever you're ready. I just want want you to know. I love you."

Beca rested her head back onto the older girls shoulder without a word. She thought she should have been feeling joy at the knowledge of her girlfriend loving her. But she didn't, for reasons she couldn't explain she felt confused, undeserving. _'Why?'_ She thought.


	9. Chapter 9

**This one's kinda short. I'm hoping I can make up for it in the next chapter.**

* * *

Chloe sat in the center of her bed staring down at her phone, unable to make up her mind. She knew this was probably the right thing to do but also didn't know how Beca would react. _'It's the right thing, she'll be able to get help.'_ she thought to herself. It had been three weeks since she discovered the brunettes self harming and what happened to her mother. Three weeks since she had declared her love for the smaller girl. Over the course of the last few weeks she had received a couple calls from Beca asking for help, she had also seen a new bruise that wasn't on her arm before as well as the brunette favoring one leg over the other. These things seemed to glare out so obviously now that she knew about Beca's self harming, she wondered how she never noticed it before. Ever since the that night the brunette had been more distant towards her and more often than not had a look of guilt on her. Whether this was because the smaller girl was guilty and embarrassed of her actions or spooked by the redheads feelings Chloe couldn't tell. _'I really should have picked a better time to tell her.'_ With a heavy breath she resolved herself and picked up her phone to make a call.

"Hey sweetheart." a voice came from the phone after several rings.

"Hey mom. I need to talk to you about something. Can I come over?"

"Of course. You know you don't need to ask to come home."

"I know. I'll be there soon."

* * *

Later that same night Beca also sat alone, attempting to untangle the mess that was her thoughts and feelings. She felt guilty for not keeping her promise to call Chloe for help. She knew the redhead had noticed the bruising and her limp. She could see it in the older girls eyes. And even though she knew she must have imagined it Beca could swear she saw disappointment in those sapphire eyes. She wanted to call Chloe, even reaching for her phone a couple times. Yet something always made her pull her hand away. As much as she wanted to see her girlfriend she had trouble facing her ever since the redhead revealed that she loved the brunette. _'How could she love a screw up like me? How could anyone love someone that got their own mother killed? I don't deserve it'_ Because of these thoughts she had become distant to Chloe. Because of the guilt she felt for accepting the love and happiness the redhead brought to her while her own mother was dead and gone from her own doing. And yet the split second of sadness she saw on her the older girls face whenever she turned down her girlfriends attempts to spend time with her or the image of it in her head when she ignores a call wasn't any better.

Her legs became restless as the desire to stop thinking became stronger. She reached into her drawer and grabbed her new lighter and she flicked it on, staring into the flame. She nearly dropped it when a knock at the door startled her. "Beca? You in there?"

"Yeah. It's open." She said, tucking the lighter under her pillow.

Chloe stepped in and took a seat next to Beca on the bed. "Hey you."

"Hey."

"Haven't seen you much lately."

"Yeah, I've been busy. Sorry."

"I miss you."

Beca finally caved to her desire and embraced the redhead, allowing herself to be held. "I miss you too." _'I don't deserve this'_

As much as the Chloe wanted to sit here and enjoy the moment she figured it was best to rip the band aid off. "So there's something I need to talk to you about." The brunette pulled back and looked at her curiously. "I know you've been hurting yourself more."

"I'm sorry." the younger girl apologized and looked away ashamed.

"It's okay. I'm not mad at you or anything. I was just... I had an idea on how to help you."

"What's that?"

"We could get you into therapy to start."

"I don't trust a school councilor. Not with my dad working here."

"I had something else in mind. I'm still in contact with the therapist I saw for my eating disorder. She's really good, she helped me a lot."

"I couldn't pay for that. And I don't have my dad's insurance information."

"You wouldn't have to... My parents already said they would pay for it."

"Your parents? What the fuck Chloe, you told your parents!?" Beca said, standing up from the bed. "How much did you tell them!?"

"I had to tell them everything. About your mom, about how you hurt yourself."

"Are you kidding me? Chloe, I trusted you! Jesus, they must think I'm crazy!"

"Baby calm down. They don't think your crazy. They care about you, they want to help."

"Don't tell me to calm down! How could you betray me like this? Who else have you told?"

"No one. I only told them because I know I can trust them and they have the means to get you help."

"Why can't you just help me!?"

"I'm trying Beca! But you're pushing me away, I can't help if you won't talk to me. Besides even if you weren't I'm not a doctor. Something in your head is making you want to hurt yourself and I don't know how to fix that. I had to tell my parents. You need more help than I can give you all alone and this was the only to get it for you." The redhead finished, tears beginning to fall.

"What about my other secrets?"

"What?"

"About me being gay? Or our dating? Did Aubrey really just figure us out?"

"Why does that matter right now?"

"Just answer the question, Chloe."

"I never told Aubrey we were together."

"I can't help but feel there's a 'but' in there."

Chloe let out a sigh "I let it slip that we were going on date."

"Seriously Chloe?! No wonder she 'figured us out' when you all but told her flat out that I'm gay!"

"Beca... It was an accident. I'm so sorry I told her that. It was the night we had dinner at your dad's and I was really upset. She's my best friend, I'm so used to telling her everything that it just slipped out."

"Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"I didn't know how. I thought you'd be upset. I knew I could trust Aubrey to keep your secret. After a while it felt like it had been to long to say something. It was mistake. I should've told you. I'm sorry."

"First that, now your parents? How I am I supposed to trust you?"

"Beca, baby. Please I'm sorry. We can work this out. But for now I just want to help you."

"I don't need your help! I don't need anyone's help! I was doing just fine on my own!"

"Being consumed by guilt all the time and beating the crap out of yourself until it goes away is not 'doing just fine'! Please, let us help you."

"No. I can't."

"Beca, please." Chloe attempted reach out the the brunette but she stepped away from the redhead.

"I can't do this."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't do this anymore."

"Beca, what are you saying?" The older girl choked on her words.

The brunette argued with herself in her mind. _'You have to. You don't deserve her or the happiness she brings.'_ The other part of her begging her not to do it. _'Don't do this. You love her. Let her help you.'_ But in the end her guilt for her mother and her natural instinct to push people away and retreat into herself won out. "It's over, Chloe. We're done."

* * *

 **Please don't hurt me.**


	10. Chapter 10

**I really didn't mean to abandon you all for so long. My computer broke and I was just able to get a new not to long ago. But I should be back in business now.**

 **Now to answer a couple questions left in the reviews. Leapyearbaby29, yes Beca was punching herself in chapter 7 and the reason Chloe was running in the first chapter is because it happens later in the story. It's a flash forward. Apologies if that was unclear.**

* * *

The door slammed shut behind Chloe as fell back against it and collapsed to the floor sobbing. Looking out from her room to investigate the noise Aubrey quickly ran to the redheads side upon seeing her in a heap on the floor. "Chloe?! Chloe whats wrong?"

"She... She..." The redhead tried to speak.

Aubrey pulled her close. "Deep breaths Chlo, Take a breath."

After a few deep breaths Chloe was able to speak one line before breaking down again. "She broke up with me."

"Beca broke up with you?" The redhead nodded in response. "Why?"

"She was... Mad... That I... Told you about her being gay... And..." The redhead choked out in between sobs.

"And what?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"She broke up with me because I told my parents something she didn't want me too!"

Aubrey's heart ached seeing her best friend in such pain. "I'm not just gonna let someone hurt you like this. If you're not gonna tell me I'm going to go get the answer from her one way or another. Talk to me, Chloe."

* * *

 **The Next Day**

Beca groaned internally as she entered the radio station, her legs hurt, her arms hurt, the last thing she wanted to do was stack CD's. "Shit." She whispered under her breath as she and Jesse locked eyes. She had done a good job avoiding him ever since the night in front of the police station.

"Beca."

"Don't you have a class to get to?" She said attempting to walk past him.

"I can be late one day." He responded, stepping in front of her.

"What do you want, Jesse?"

"To say I'm sorry."

"A lot of good that does me." She pushed past him.

"I didn't know you're dating Chloe!"

She stopped and turned around "Want to yell that a little louder? I don't think the science building heard you. Hang a sign on me while you're at it. Out me to everyone."

"I'm sorry." He said, lowering his voice. "I didn't know about you and Chloe or what kind of person you're dad apparently is. If I did of course I wouldn't have called him. All I saw was my friend getting put in the back a cop car and I wanted to help."

Beca let out a sigh, as much as she wanted to someone to blame for what happened she knew there was no way Jesse could have known. "We were trying to keep it secret for that exact reason. I'm sorry I yelled at you. It wasn't your fault."

"So we're good then?"

"Yeah."

"Awesome." He said throwing his arm around her shoulders. She quickly squirmed out of his grasp.

"Just because we're cool doesn't mean you get to touch me."

"Okay. We'll get there." She ignored the comment. "You know all this time I thought you were just playing hard to get."

"You know Jesse, just because a girl that isn't taken or gay turns you down doesn't mean she's playing hard to get. Sometimes she's just not in to you."

"Sometimes." A moment of silence passed. "So how are you Chloe doing?"

"We... Broke up actually. I don't want to talk about it."

"Oh. Sorry."

An awkward silence filled the air until Beca felt his hand on hers, she jerked her arm back. "What are you doing?"

"You and Chloe broke up right? I thought-"

"What? That you could get rebound sex from me? I thought we just established that I'm into girls."

"Just because you're into girls doesn't mean you can't like guys to."

"Well I don't."

"Have you ever tried it?"

"No. I don't have to in order what I like. I'm not obligated to try dick, for you or anyone else. Is sex all you want out of me?"

"No. We can be friends."

"Well you're being a really shitty friend! When a friend tells you they broke up with their girlfriend, which by the way happened just last night, your first reaction shouldn't be to try and fuck them!"

"Beca..."

"Just go. I have work to do." She picked up a crate of CD's and headed into the labyrinth of shelves. She waited until she heard the door to the station open and shut before she allowed the tears to fall.

* * *

That evening Beca lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling when her phone once again vibrated. She ignored it. As she had all day. She didn't care about whatever Jesse had to say for himself and didn't have the will to look at anything the redhead might have sent her. Twenty minutes later the brunette had almost fallen asleep when a pounding on her door jolted her awake. It hadn't occurred to her when she was ignoring her phone that an angry blonde had also been trying to contact her. And when she cracked the door open said angry blonde stormed into the room and right past her. "What you want Aubrey?"

"You weren't at rehearsals today."

"Then fire me."

"I'm not firing you, Beca."

"Well then I quit. You can leave now." The brunette said walking past the older girl and laying back down on her bed.

"What is your problem, Beca"

"Right now it's you." She responded without bothering to get up or face the blonde.

"So you're just going to abandon the team?"

Beca finally sat up and turned to face the older girl. "You never wanted me on that team in first place. That's been clear since day one. And with your refusal to change the set I really have nothing to offer there anyway. We both know you're here to yell at me for breaking up with Chloe. I know she told you so just get it over with and leave me alone."

"Yeah. She told me. She came home crying her eyes out."

The brunette felt a twinge of pain in her heart at the thought but didn't want to show weakness in front the older girl. "She tell you all my dirty little secrets too?"

"No. She was infuriatingly vague about it. She just said you have a 'problem' and she told her parents so they could perhaps help you, and you broke up with her. She also mentioned you were upset that she told me about your date with her. That's it."

"It wasn't her place to go tell her parents my business without my permission."

"You're right. It wasn't."

Beca sat in silence for a minute. "I'm not sure what to say. I really didn't expect you to agree with me."

"She was wrong to tell her parents about whatever your issue is. But she did it because she cares about you, Beca. She loves you and she just wanted to help."

"And when she told you about me? She did that because she cares too?"

"That was an accident. And yes she should have came clean with you earlier. But even Chloe isn't perfect, she makes mistakes like everyone else."

"How am supposed to trust her? She told people things about me I didn't want them knowing. Twice. The first time she couldn't even be bothered to tell me. I know she trusts you and her parents but that doesn't mean that I do too."

"Believe me she's learned her lesson here. The very least you could do is talk to her. She's worried sick about you for some reason, that's half the reason I'm here. I don't know what this problem of yours is, if you're sick or what, but I get the feeling it must be pretty serious. Which is probably why she went to her parents in the first place. I know her, I know her a lot better than you so trust me when I tell you she wouldn't betray you like that unless she had a damn good reason for it."

The brunette was silent so Aubrey continued on. "She loves you Beca. Despite how it may seem, it's no easy feat to get that girl to love someone, but she loves you. The way she is with you I haven't seen in a long time. So I thinks it's time you pull your head out of your ass and call her. She at least deserves another chance to explain herself."

A tense silence filled the room. "Are you done?" Beca finally spoke.

"Do you love her?"

"What?"

"Do you love Chloe?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does matter. But yes, I'm done." Aubrey walked towards the door and placed a hand on the knob before turning around once again. "One more thing actually. You're wrong about me too. I wasn't thrilled when you first joined the Bellas, but things have changed since then. Call Chloe and come back to rehearsals, Beca." With that she left.

Beca stood there for five minutes before making up her mind and grabbing her keys. "Fuck this."

* * *

 **I really didn't want to make Jesse a bad guy in this story. But given what it's about I felt like it made more sense. Another to push Beca towards the edge.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Long time no see. I have a whole list of reasons for not updating but long story short, life's been pretty busy/shit lately. So I'm sorry for the delay.**

* * *

Beca didn't bother knocking as she barged through the front door of her fathers home. "Dad!" She yelled entering the kitchen.

He entered the room to meet her. "Rebecca. What are you doing here? Have you come to take me up on my offer?"

"Send me to L.A."

"Why in the world would I do that?"

"We made a deal. You said you would send me."

"That was before you got arrested. Before I found out you're fucking girls."

Beca held beck her anger. "Then help me go to L.A. where I can't embarrass you or whatever. You don't want all your big professor friends knowing about me right? I'll mail back the money I'll owe you and you won't ever have to see me again."

"No."

"Why not?!" She shouted. "You were willing to do it before!"

"Rebecca, did you really think I was actually going send you to California?"

"What?" She said in disbelief

"I made that deal with you so you would stop nagging me about L.A. and finally start taking college seriously. By the time year ended I figured you would have finally realized how foolish you were being. Your DJing is barely a hobby, never mind a career, if you went there now you'd never survive. Within six months you'd be selling yourself on street corners to get fucked any way those men wanted just to be able eat. Even if you are a dyke."

She stood quiet for a moment, utterly shock at how this man that was supposed to be her father thought of her. "Fuck you." She said, barely above a whisper.

"Rebecca, it's not to late. Stay here, come to church and we'll start working on your rehabilitation and put all this behind us."

"Fuck you." She said again, louder this time. "There may be a lot of things wrong with me but being attracted to women is not one of them! How could say these things about your own child?"

"I had thought there may be hope for you yet, clearly I was mistaken. I told you before, I will not have a faggot for a daughter, if you are unwilling to be treated then you are not mine, and we have nothing more to discuss. Its time for you to leave."

"Fine." She said quickly exiting the room. She stopped at the front door, suddenly remembering something. She looked over her shoulder to see if her father had followed her, he hadn't. She opened the door and shut it hard and waited to see if he would come, he didn't. As quickly and quietly as she could she made her way up the stairs and down the hall to her fathers room. Looking around the nightstand next to the bed, opening the drawer she rummaged through various papers until finally she found the object she was looking for. Her fathers handgun. _'I still remember when he bought this. It was right after our house got broken into. I never saw him with it again. I'm not sure he even remembers that he owns it.'_ Snapping herself from her thoughts she tucked the pistol into her waistband and zipped up her hoodie before sneaking out of the house.

* * *

 **Two Days Later**

Chloe checked her phone for what had to be the hundredth time that day. "Still nothing?" Aubrey asked from her spot next to the redhead on the couch.

"No." Chloe replied, wiping a tear from her eye.

"I think you should go talk to her."

"I can't. She hates me."

"She doesn't hate you Chloe." Aubrey thought for a moment. "Do you remember how you reacted when I told your parents about your eating disorder?"

"I got mad at you." The redhead answered sheepishly.

"You got really mad with me. You said we weren't friends anymore and swore that you would never forgive me. Yet here we are."

"This is different though."

"Is it? I don't know whats wrong with her, but it feels like its pretty bad. Something that shouldn't be ignored. Maybe you made a mistake not talking to her first but you did it because you care. Your heart was in the right place and she'll see that. You did."

"I didn't confess to you and ask you to keep it a secret."

"I can tell you right now I wouldn't have. Because you were slowly killing yourself I wasn't gonna sit by and watch that happen."

"Either way she's still mad I told you about our date."

"You love her right?"

"Yeah."

"So go fight for her then. She'll forgive you. I know she will."

"Maybe you're right..."

"Exactly. So get your butt up and go talk to her."

* * *

Beca grabbed the paper from the printer and reviewed one more time before carefully folding it and placing it on top of her laptop in the center of her bed. She pulled the pistol out from under her mattress and slipped it into the pocket of her hoodie before making her way outside her building into the glow of sun that was beginning set. She'd made up her mind. _'There's nothing left for me here.'_

* * *

Chloe knocked on the younger girls door for a second time. "Beca? Are you in there?" She tried the knob and found it unlocked. She slowly pushed the door open. "Beca?" She looked around the uninhabited room and let out a sigh of disappointment. Just as she turned to leave a piece of paper on the bed caught her eye. The words 'Read me' written on the front. She unfolded the paper and began reading its contents.

 _To whoever finds this._

 _This is my suicide note. I'm not really sure what to say here. I couldn't take it anymore. And I didn't deserve to be here anyway. My father disowned me, I broke the heart of the only person here to give a shit about me. My mom is gone and it's my fault she's dead. I can't live with this guilt anymore. On the outdoor running tracks there's a little trail into the woods that leads to a small clearing. That's where you'll find me._

 _Whoever you are reading this, please do me a favor. Tell Chloe Beale that it isn't her fault, and that I'm really, really sorry. Tell her that I forgive her. And that I hope she can forgive me._

 _-Beca Mitchell_

Chloe dropped the paper, sprinting out of the room, out the dorm building and began her sprint across campus. Chloe's heart pounded in her chest as she sprinted, her legs carrying her as fast as they could across the nearly empty campus. And yet it wasn't fast enough, every second feeling like minutes flying by. She rounded the corner of a building and was almost blinded by the orange glow of the setting sun. Under different circumstances she would have stopped to admire such a beautiful sunset. But there was no time today, not for the sunset, not for the guy she barely avoided bulldozing into, yelling at her to watch out. She could only focus on her destination and her urgent need to get there. All the while hoping, praying there was still time. _'Please, please don't let it be to late.'_ She thought as she wiped away the tears pricking at her eyes and willed her body to move faster.

Reaching the tracks she quickly located the path and charged into the woods, not caring about the branches and brush hitting her as she dashed through, only slowing down enough to make sure she didn't trip. Chloe burst out of the brush into the clearing and immediately caught sight of the brunette sitting on the log. "Beca!" She gasped when she caught sight of the pistol in the younger girls hand as she turned to face the redhead.

"Chloe? What are you doing here?"

"I went to your room to talk. I found the note... Beca please put the gun down."

"Go away, Chloe. I don't want you to see this."

"You don't have to this. Please don't."

"I don't want to go on anymore. I don't deserve to! After my dad, what I did to my mom, after what I did to you..."

"What do you mean what you did to me?"

"You were trying to help me and I pushed you away. I broke your heart, all I'm ever gonna do is hurt you. So please just go and let me do this."

"I probably would have dumped me too. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you after I accidentally outed you to Aubrey. And I should have talked to you about telling my parents about your depression before I did it. But I'm not sorry I did that. You need help, Beca. I love you. I love you so much and I wasn't just gonna stand there and wait for something like this to happen. I'm not gonna let you die here. Even if you hate me for the rest of your life, if it means getting you help than it's worth it."

"How could you possibly love someone like me? I killed my won mother..."

"What happened your mom wasn't your fault. No one could known what would happen." The brunette was silent. "Beca, please. You know this isn't what she would want for you."

Beca finally put her hand out. "Take it." Chloe closed the distance in a second, taking the gun and quickly unloading it before wrapping her arms around the younger girl as tight as she could. They sat there for a long time holding on to each other, tears streaming down both of their faces. It was Beca who finally broke the silence. "I don't hate you. I love you, Chloe. Please take me back. Please."

"Shhhh" The older girl cooed. "I love you too, Becs. You couldn't get rid of me if you tried."

Again they sat in each others embrace in silence until the orange sky gave way to pinks and purple. Beca spoke up. "I'll take your parents help."

Chloe kissed the younger girl on the head, mumbling "Thank you." Into her chocolate locks. "We can call them tomorrow. For now let's get back to your room. It'll be dark soon."


End file.
